These are the last weeks of the storefront. I have decided it is time to, well time to be done with it. I am keeping my brand, my services, and my peace of mind. But the expense after the last few months is to high. My office in my home has become a sanctuary. The space is warm and electric. I have been painting some of my best. The pets can sense the magic that has been created over the past (4?) months. They all join me while I work, and eventually settle into the sunlit spaces and window seat. My view is amazing. Honestly, I like to stay in. I like to be in my home office. It is very freeing.
My adventures have included the great wider world. Not all hermit. I have started a Tarot class and met some very cool people. We meet every Thursday until the shop closes, and I will continue a relationship with them. But I have noticed how I don’t really enjoy being out and about. My need for stuff is gone. The hours spent wandering around Target with $100 worth of what did I buy? are over. Weekly grocery runs are just enough time to have a moment. I’ve taken to wearing earphones while I shop. It gives me a chance to connect to music and float around ALDI, very much staying socially distant. We had been taking day trips. To parks and outdoor places. We camped overnight with family. The heat last week had put a hold on some things. But we plan to do more next week. Niko needs to be outside. He could live on the couch watching Youtube. Videos of other people playing and opening toys. Mostly adults playing and opening toys. I have the same fascination with Tarot readers, so I can see where this stems from. I am going to be helping a fellow artist and mentor with her space. So I am out. On the move. But it is different.
I have been using this time to release, to do shadow work, to heal, to grow, to loosen the grasp. Literally loosen my hands. While driving I’ve noticed I’d had a death grip on the wheel. It is an unnatural, white knuckle grip. A last hold to the control that needed to be freed. My nails left marks on my palm. Well, it is loose. Everything feels well oiled, flowing. The closing of the shop is very freeing. I have nothing holding me back or down. I have plans to make my home office even more tarot and art friendly. And I am able to travel.
So I guess my disconnect is aging. I am an older mom. Life has slowed to include snacks and playmobile, but I cannot keep up conversation with young mom’s. I am in the limbo of women aged 40 to 55. We are not young ladies. I am dealing with an aging mother and Aunt. I am no where near that place, but the creeping fear is real. I’m not a hip young artist. I have never heard sound cloud. I listen to CD’s in my car. I am not trying to get married at first sight, but like to indulge in watching the Aussies’ attempts. I am not cute in a romper. I never dated online or through a site. I met my husband at work. I haven’t TiK Tok’d. I don’t want lips full of gelatin, and eyelashes that look like chimney brushes. If it Is the new beauty, will I look like a tortoise as I age naturally? I am allowing my grey to grow. I want to attempt to embrace my aging, but not look like I’ve added an AARP card to my wallet overnight. My lovely stylist is adding a hint of dark hair to my silver roots. A cheat to the process, I have nothing but love for the ladies that grow out dye free. But I cannot shake the stigma of Disney old angry hags attempting to destroy the PYTs. My witchy lifestyle don’t help with that picture. This is a complicated age. My style of dress is changing. The hinderance of trying on clothes at the store is not helping, and ordering online is worrisome. My metabolism has even changed the way I process alcohol. Two glasses of wine seep out of my pores the next morning. A lingering of my previous days decisions. I take supplements. Lasagna can effect me in strange ways. We are very much lost in the shuffle, girls coming of age in the 80’s and 90’s. My tarot ladies are a healthy mix of ladies over 40. It is refreshing to get together. Recipes are the most interesting posts I see on Facebook. At least the most tolerable posts. And there are always inspirational quotes about aging. But I have to watch how I eat, the temptation to try it all….I have the tinge of hot flashes from food or drink while I sleep, or the change. It wakes me up. I am a cool mom. I am restrained and refined. I know what I like. I have no tolerance for foolery or ignorance. Bad chocolate or to much sugar. I have a touch of class. I have a life of experiences, wisdom, and adventure to share. I need to find a happy medium between I’m too old for that and I am still a lively woman. I’m not ready. Cougar is not the answer, and seems exhausting. Mike would agree…
My answer is fishing. I am going fishing. Maybe I will start a club for woman over 40. The water helps hormone imbalance.